It’s amazing how many people act like assholes, but are genuinely surprised and a little pissed when people respond accordingly to their assholery. Parents saying that their kids’ hobbies are a waste of time, then wondering why their kids don’t want to draw or write anymore. A guy commits fully to the “I’m the alpha male so I mistreat women” mindset, then wonders why he never gets a second date. An office worker that lies, schemes, and backstabs her way into a higher position, but wonders why no one invites her to happy hour. All have made being shitty so ingrained into their daily routines that they might as well be doing it for breakfast.

It’s like a refusal to acknowledge that they hurt someone. This is common in people with narcissistic traits, but can really affect anyone. Someone constantly hurts someone, or hurts multiple people, and it gets to the point where they simply don’t know or remember who they hurt or how badly they hurt someone.

During my late teens and early 20s, my dad kept making comments about my weight. It can be argued that it was coming from a place of concern since being overweight runs in my family. But, when you get someone telling you for the third time that month that you’re fat while they are 100 pounds heavier than you and have a Wendy’s meal in front of them, you tend to not think it’s a “concern” thing. But, considering I was winded from walking up one flight of stairs, I figured, “Ok, I’m going to eat healthy and exercise more.” I cut back on fast food. I took the stairs instead of the elevator. I did yoga and took long walks. Slowly, I was losing weight.

One day, I was in the kitchen eating some baby carrots and hummus, at Mom’s recommendation. My dad shows up and makes yet another comment about my weight. I don’t remember his exact words, but I know they hurt. I know I started to cry, and didn’t stop for hours. I know we had a long talk about it at the dining room table, and he didn’t apologize for what he said or for hurting my feelings. He did what he normally does; say that he’s tough on me and my siblings to prepare us for the real world, and he doesn’t care if we hate him for it. I left that discussion feeling lower than I had been in a while, and resolved to not eat in front of him anymore. It clearly didn’t matter how healthy I was eating, I was going to get treated that way until I was thin. This led to lots of water fasting, my weight plateauing, and my hair falling out due to lack of protein. The comments on my weight didn’t stop until I moved out for good.

I went back for a visit and brought up the numerous times he commented on my weight. He denies ever saying anything more than a passing comment once or twice. Because I couldn’t remember verbatim what he said to me during the “baby carrots and hummus” incident, he said that I was lying or exaggerating to make him seem like the bad guy. 

I recently found out that Dad would make the same comments about being overweight to my younger sister, who was thinner than me, and to our mom, who was even thinner. Then, when my mom got to her weight loss goal, Dad started making comments about how she was too skinny.

This made me realize that he probably wasn’t gaslighting me when he denied the frequent comments on my weight. He just did it so often to other people, it blended in with all the other times. (He was definitely trying to gaslight me by saying I was lying about the “baby carrots” thing.)

If a person has a history of lying and gaslighting, then obviously their selective amnesia should be taken with a grain of salt. Many people accused of mistreating others claim to not remember or express doubt over the incident happening as a way to shift blame away from themselves. But, there are also cases where people genuinely don’t remember the pain they inflicted either because it was simply one instance of many, or because they blocked out the memory to ease their feelings of guilt. They don’t outright deny that it happened, saying “It’s possible that I hurt you,” but don’t fully commit to taking accountability.

While my relationship with my dad has improved somewhat over the years, there’s still a strain there, mostly because he doesn’t acknowledge the hurtful things he said and did. It almost feels pointless to bring them up because I know what the outcome of the “discussion” will be. But, it does make me feel vindicated to know I wasn’t the only “tree.”