It’s hard to put into numbers what the success rate of being a pro se litigant is. Some sources say it’s as little as 3%. Others say it’s up to 30%, and grows higher for civil cases. But, whatever the success rate is, the following people fucked their chances at beating the allegations spectacularly.

Michel Escoto

The crime: In probably the sloppiest “murder-the-spouse-for-the-insurance-money” job ever, Michel Escoto, with help from his mistress, plotted to murder his wife, Wendy Trapaga, for a million dollar insurance payout. After failed attempts to drug and drown her in hot tubs during their honeymoon and later at another hotel, Escoto beat Trapaga to death with a tire iron in a warehouse in Miami Springs. The mistress, Yolanda Cerillo, assisted in disposing of the weapon and picking Escoto up from the scene.

Investigators were ultra-suspicious about Escoto’s involvement from the start. Escoto was acting very over the top in his “grief” in a way that was clearly a lie. The insurance policy was taken out very shortly before Trapaga was killed, and when Escoto tried cashing out the policy a few months later, his account of what happened before Trapaga “left” didn’t match what he told the cops. And to put the cherry on top, Escoto and Trapaga were only married for FOUR DAYS before she ended up dead.

The trial: Michel Escoto opted to represent himself. Giving a narcissistic fuckhead attention is never a good idea. But when you give a narcissistic fuckhead with clear anger management issues attention, it results in moments like this.

The state kept objecting to Escoto, namely because he was doing everything from trying to lead witnesses to flat out threatening one. But, the biggest fuckup came during cross-examination of Yolanda Cerillo, who agreed to testify against Escoto for immunity. He tried throwing Cerillo under the bus during questioning, implying that she was the mastermind since she was jealous of Trapaga. But, Escoto asked things like “Did I call you from the crime scene?” and “Did you pick me up from the warehouse?” When Cerillo answered “yes,” and Escoto didn’t argue that answer, it verified that he was there during the crime.

Not only that, he didn’t object to Cerillo saying he was covered in blood when she saw him that night, or he grew his own weed.

The sentence: Michel Escoto was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. For threatening a witness, he was charged to contempt of court, and sentenced to 30 days. He tried appealing both of his sentences, but the judges said, “fuck that noise.”

As an aside, Cerillo didn’t have to go to jail for her involvement, but she was sued by Trapaga’s family for insurance fraud and wrongful death.

Bradley Yohn

The crime: Bradley Yohn decided, in his meth-fueled stupor, to carjack someone. The victim in question was a 77-year-old woman, Christine Lohmann-Schmitt. She was having car trouble, and when Yohn pulled up to “help,” he forced her at knifepoint to perform oral sex on him, then demanded they go to the victim’s house. Once there, he assaulted her a few more times, called his girlfriend over so they could rob the place, then left in the victim’s car. The victim’s husband arrived home, found his injured wife in the kitchen, then called the cops. The victim was able to provide descriptions of her assailant and what was taken.

The following day, Yohn and his accomplice were arrested. The police found everything that had been stolen, including the car and jewelry. Lohmann-Schmitt passed away about a month after she was attacked, but was able to provide adequate statements to the police.

The trial: Yohn’s rambling opening statement involved him trying to invoke sympathy by commenting on how long he was suffering in county jail. He also told a story from his youth about a sibling hitting him, then his mom demanding proof when there were no visible marks. Yohn also dropped the following banger of a line: “I find that (long pause) being logical is logical.”

Yohn insisted that he was innocent of the crimes, stating that the jewelry belonged to him and was passed down by his parents. He didn’t cross-examine properly, and just rehashed information that the prosecution had brought up. He brought in his dad to provide an alibi, but did NOT bring in his accomplice as a witness. At one point, Yohn kept asking a question that the jury wasn’t supposed to hear, and the prosecutor started yelling his objections.

The sentence: Since the victim’s death wasn’t directly tied to injuries from her attack, the prosecution couldn’t upgrade any of the battery charges to murder. Nevertheless, the judge found Yohn guilty of all charges, and sentenced him to a total of 130 years in prison. Yohn argued that this was excessive since he “didn’t do it.” The judge called Yohn one of “the most reprehensible people ever to come before him”, and said Yohn’s narcissism wouldn’t allow him to admit any wrongdoing. Yohn decided to prove the judge right by taunting the gallery with “I’ll be out” as he was taken out of court.

Lori Vallow-Daybell 

The crime: Lori Vallow-Daybell is just a hot mess all around. To make a very long explanation short, her extreme religious beliefs decreed that she was basically a goddess designated to guide the 144,000 chosen Mormons to paradise when the world ended. Vallow-Daybell’s beliefs also decreed that she was able to determine whether someone was possessed by an evil spirit, and whatever she did to a “zombie” could not be tried in a court of law. So, she used this “knowledge” to orchestrate/commit the murders of her husband, her affair partner/co-defendant’s wife, her biological daughter, and her adopted son.

Lori was arrested for her active involvement in three of the victim’s deaths, and was ultimately sentenced to three consecutive life terms. She opted for defense attorneys in these murder trials. But, she still needed to stand trial in Arizona for the two conspiracy to commit murder charges on her husband and nephew-in-law, who survived the attempt on his life. For those, she opted to defend herself, despite her sanity being called into question multiple times. 

The trial: Lori figured that all the law books she read while her other trials were going on made her more than qualified to represent herself. Her opening statement on the conspiracy to murder Charles Vallow involved asking the jury to “protect” her from the state prosecutors. And it all went downhill from there. She claimed that the man who DID kill Charles did so in self-defense, and denied that she was after Charles’ life insurance policy. She tried making it seem like Charles was a scumbag for wanting a divorce from her, despite her cheating on him. Lori even had the TEMERITY to harass a witness during cross-examination because she had gone on a date with Charles Vallow shortly before he was killed.

Vallow-Daybell didn’t testify in her own defense, call any witnesses, or present any evidence. Then, she thought it would be a good idea to file a motion to acquit her based on lack of evidence. The judge basically said, “Nice try, bitch,” to that.

This fucking wingnut had a chance to improve her standing for the second conspiracy trial for Brandon Boudreaux. But, she clearly didn’t learn from her mistakes in the first trial. Again, she didn’t testify on her behalf or call witnesses. She filed a buttload of motions to have the trial cancelled and the judge recused, citing religious biases. Lori even tried to have Chief Judge Jennifer Green recused because she wouldn’t approve the judge presiding over the conspiracy trial to be recused.

The sentence: Vallow-Daybell was found guilty of both conspiracy to commit murder charges. For both, she got two consecutive 25 to life sentences. In addition, she needs to pay $267k in court fees and fines for each case, and has permanent no-contact orders for Brandon Boudreaux and several members of the Vallow family. It’s a bit of a moot point, since she’s never being released from prison for the other murder cases. But still, all the victims were able to have their day in court, and Lori is now less likely to get a successful appeal.