You would think this dumb Spongebob meme wouldn’t make me overthink about real-world implications, but it did.

The most ridiculous thing about this comic isn’t the fact that Spongebob somehow became president or that Patrick Star has a job. It’s the fact that people are complying with this new law. You know damn well there’s going to be people that fuck it all up for everyone else. There is a non-zero number of people who, immediately after hearing this, would go steal something, slap a police officer, or tell President Squarepants to his face to go fuck himself, followed by the nukes going off. And when it comes to absolutenutcase’s comics, the nukes will go off in about one second.

My big question is, knowing what’s at stake and knowing what the criteria for not dying is, why would someone then immediately go and ruin everything for everyone? The obvious answer would be “the same reason anyone commits a crime, knowing what’s at stake.” But, I’m trying to think about it from the perspective of someone who is more self-centered and less empathetic than I am. Why would someone who is purely self-serving, doesn’t care about other people, and knows that they will be nuked if they commit a crime, then go and commit a crime?

People who ruin things for everyone else are everywhere. The guys that brought liquid bomb components onto several planes, and now you either need to pay 8 dollars for a bottle or drink the gross airplane tap water. That one dickhead that put cyanide into some giant Pixy Stix, which led to the next few generations of parents quadruple checking their kids’ Halloween candy for the stuff that’s already sealed. Literally anyone who commits a mass shooting ever. They don’t care about the long term implications of the harm they cause to themselves or others.

However, again, in this scenario, a nuke will go off a second after the crime is committed. If the most short-sighted person can’t even think about a second into the future, then maybe they (and they specifically) should get nuked. Sure, you stole candy from a baby for the lulz, but by the time you finished reading the word “but,” you will be vaporized. No going home to have a beer, watch TV, and contemplate your life. You die right then and there. And you’re probably going to hell because you stole candy from a baby for the lulz.

At the end of the day, people only care about number one. They only want what benefits themselves at the expense of those around them. But, when President Spongebob says “Everybody dies,” no one is going to be spared. Everyone includes YOU, random asshole about to shove an old lady into the street. You don’t get special treatment because you’re you.

Looking at this from a purely self-serving point of view, I wouldn’t want to be the one to cause the world to get nuked. Because that would mean that I would die, and if the self-serving, inflated-sense-of-self-worth-having version of me isn’t here in the world to somehow make it better by just being myself, then that’s just not fucking acceptable. If my options are not committing a crime and living, or committing a crime that will cause my death and the death of everything I even slightly care about, GOLLY GEE I THINK I’M GONNA BE A LAW ABIDING CITIZEN.