Everyone talks about which monsters in Courage the Cowardly Dog are the scariest. The Nightmare Bugle, Mad Dog, and King Ramses all top people’s lists of what traumatized kids from that show. But I started thinking, if I were to encounter some of these creatures, how would I handle it? Would I be able to survive the danger and strangeness?
Evil Vet, Freaky Fred, and Captain Sharky
What do these three villains have in common? They’re just humans. No mystical powers or cursed objects. Just three guys who have messed up motives for doing what they’re doing. As such, they have the same weaknesses as regular guys, like loud noises or being blinded. The only one who might give me a bit more trouble is Sharky. He’s a man, but he’s very strong and has a Swiss army peg-leg. But, he’s still susceptible to distractions and being blinded.
I could probably distract all of them, hit them, and be on my merry way/call the authorities.
Cornered by the Evil Vet? Pepper spray, kick to the nuts, run.
About to be shaved by Fred? Pepper spray, kick to the nuts, call the Home for Freaky Barbers.
Forced to be Sharkey’s crewmate? Stick around long enough to sabotage the fishing lines or poison Sharkey’s food. Once Sharky’s incapacitated, maybe I can dump him in the river so Carmen the river serpent can take care of him?
The Perfectionist
The Perfectionist is a weird one, since it’s unclear if she is truly supernatural or just a hallucination. Courage sees her, but no one else does…but she somehow has other students? It’s unknown if the Perfectionist is Courage’s personal monster, or if she just appears to people who desperately want to be perfect. Assuming the situation is that latter, and she came to “tutor” me, the solution is the one that Courage found in the last episode of the show, and one that many people hear by the time they are 7: accepting that I am not perfect.
The thing about perfectionism is that it’s not easy to shake off. Otherwise, imposter syndrome wouldn’t be a thing. Everyone everywhere, despite knowing that being perfect is impossible, still try their hardest to be perfect. It’s not logical or rational, it just is.
For my part, I would probably be getting a few visits from the Perfectionist. I’d be at a low point because things aren’t going right. She would appear, critiquing everything I’m doing. And every time, I would send her packing (or melting through the floor) by accepting that I am not perfect and never will be, and that’s ok.
I also wouldn’t be opposed to trying to slap her during one of her visits. Because how dare you come into MY house uninvited and tell me to sleep perfectly?!
Golden Hat monks
In the “Forbidden Hat of Gold,” the bad guys, aside from Eustace, are a group of monks sworn to guard the cursed golden hat, and live humble, selfless lives. The monks are so serious about their way of life, that visitors to their temple are greeted with the following sign:
And any violations will result in some kind of painful end, either by being turned to stone, or being squished by their stone golem.
While I’m not vain, I do think I’m greedy. But, if I happened to be on some expedition team trying to find the gold hat, or even just got dragged along with the Bagges, I think I would survive the ordeal. Eustace is vain and greedy, but stepping into the temple doesn’t immediately make him turn to stone. He was safe and unharmed until he took the hat. I might be greedy, but not nearly to the extent that I would put my family in danger by stealing a cursed gold relic. So, while I wouldn’t be allowed to join the monks in whatever the hell it is they are doing, I think I’d be allowed to look at the gold hat, then leave.
If someone in my group (namely Eustace) happened to try and steal the hat, aside from me beating the crap out of them for putting us in danger, I would 100% sell the person out once the head monk asks where the hat is.
Head Monk: You better give up the hat, or one of you is getting sacrificed! You have one minute to think it over!
Me, not hesitating: He did it. Him. Right there. That guy. Check him again. He’s got the hat.
Monks: …
Eustace: …
Muriel: …
Courage: …
Me: …Why the fuck aren’t you checking him?
I get that the whole point is make sure everyone gets out alive and unharmed, but fuck Eustace.
Storm Goddess
The Storm Goddess isn’t necessarily evil. She is a bratty woman who also happens to control storms. Her issue is that she’s lonely and heartbroken after her dog, Duncan, runs away. Since Courage looks a lot like her dog (supposedly), she tries taking him from Muriel, then, failing that, has a stormy tantrum so powerful it makes the house fly apart.
In this day and age, a few Nextdoor posts would make light work of tracking down Duncan. But, the big issue would be why Duncan is staying away. In the show, Duncan has been away for so long because he can’t stop licking the God Bone, a bone so irresistible to dogs that they’ll lick it until they starve to death. While I wouldn’t come out and say to the Storm Goddess “Yo, your dog is gonna die,” I would probably find a gentler way to say I knew where Duncan was and why he wasn’t coming home.
Of course, in the show, the Storm Goddess gets upset all over again when Duncan doesn’t immediately go to her. That’s when the backup plans come in.
First backup plan: have the goddess use her godly powers to destroy the God Bone. I’m guessing the only thing that can destroy a divine relic would be a divine being. If that somehow doesn’t work, we go to the second backup plan: new dogs. There’s nothing stopping me finding a different dog for the Storm Goddess to love, since she starts moving on rather quickly once she realizes Duncan wants the God Bone more than her. I can bring her to an animal shelter, and find her a dog that would be more than loving to her. Alternatively, the new dog will make Duncan jealous enough that he’ll stop licking the bone and return to her, like in the episode.
King Ramses
The fact that you think I would even have the slab in the first place is laughable. But, if the guy who can summon man-eating locusts wants his slab returned, I’M RETURNING THE FUCKING SLAB.
Dealing with a lot of the creatures and villains in Courage the Cowardly Dog are simple in concept. Courage stops them either with comedically simple solutions or by befriending them. Even the ones that are defeated in more creative ways require just a bit of common sense. But the baddies I mentioned above could definitely be handled by someone without Toon Force or items pulled from hammerspace.
…Seriously, if anyone finds themselves in the position where King Ramses is at their house demanding his slab back, you kinda deserve it at that point.
Interesting Times with CaptainHoneydew 
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