In the Tim and Eric Cinematic Universe, the overarching corporate monolith is the Cinco Company. They make a wide array of products, foods, and gadgets for nearly every situation. 

You want a cellphone? How about one that doesn’t let you receive calls and gets so hot that it burns your face?

Need to jazz up your face but can’t grow a beard? How about some sparkly rhinestones?

Random bumps in the night waking you up? How about something fucking terrifying to put in your room so when you randomly wake up, you have something reasonable to freak out about?

Yeah, nearly all Cinco products are awful. But…there are a few Cinco products/services that would probably be a hit if they were sold for real.

T’ird

The T’ird is a toy that combines the flight of birds with the little legs of a tortoise. You can throw the T’ird, and it will fly as far as a half mile away. Then, when it lands, its tortoise legs pop out, and it starts to slowly walk back to your house. 

Honestly, a toy that comes back after you throw it is awesome on its own. Granted, it’s going to take some time for it to come back, which was the intent, so the thrower could get some work done around the house. But, if the kids happen to throw the T’ird into the next yard where mean Mr. Mertle won’t let them get it back, the T’ird will make its way back into their yard regardless. Somehow it’s smart enough to not get hit by cars and stuff. It can probably survive being in a yard with The Beast.

Also, I don’t know shit about disc golf, but I can imagine how wild it would be if they used T’irds. Those huge feather wheels sailing majestically through the air would definitely warrant some polite golf clapping. 

Identity Generator

The Cinco Identity Generator is basically an AI character generator. It creates characters that dance for your entertainment, and can come up with new characters on its own. I suppose the only downside is all the characters’ faces will look like whoever is using the software…or specifically like Paul Rudd (which isn’t really a downside, if you think about it). 

At least the characters won’t have weird eyes and missing fingers.

Balls Insurance

It’s insurance for your balls. Need I say more? I mean, the premium is a little high for the payout, but still. It’s INSURANCE for NUTSHOTS.

e-Trial

The Cinco e-Trial software is billed as an online service that makes civil and criminal trials affordable, easy, and fun. After installing, you enter the information about your trial. Then, you choose a fair and impartial e-judge and e-jury. After submitting your evidence, the jury takes a few moments to deliberate, then delivers a completely legally binding verdict, followed by the guilty party being immediately punished.

This would revolutionize the legal system. Cases that take years to finish are done in minutes, and people who can’t afford attorneys have a better shot at proving their innocence. Furthermore, the software is 100% correct. Case in point, the “Brothers Cinco” episode of Awesome Show. One of the CEOs of Cinco uses the e-Trial to prove his innocence after being accused of murdering his wife. He’s found guilty and is immediately taken to prison. Turns out, he was guilty, having drowned his wife in his pool. 

I wonder what would happen if you put this software in the Supreme Court?